It is too confusing to be anything else.
I close the book of my teenage years and try to start afresh
but find I am still writing the same tale
in black on white
I am alone in a world of black and white (or really, just alone)
We are grey - so different, yet the same.
It is not good be to alone
But I am
For no one understands me, my world
Not even I.
Black and white, they press questions on me (starkly divided, yet ever changing),
Who are you?
Grey is only what, not who.
An answer rises to my lips, but they are stone.
Stones are white.
Stones are black.
I speak, but my words are black and white
The truth is grey.
It is somewhere in between, where no one can see
I regret that I spoke.
I remain silent, try the better part of wisdom
but they do not understand.
Do you understand?
I don't.
Always questions, never answers.
I have no answers. Seek them not here.
I am not alone.
A voice cries "Run to the light!"
I hear. I run
only to fall in the pit at my feet. Black engulfs me.
falling, falling
Again, the voice.
I run again, and fall again.
I cannot escape the vicious circle, black and white.
How can I run when I am broken (broken into dark and light)?
How can I sing with this weight on my chest?
I cannot do it. I cannot escape. Take it off me. Let me go.
Let me go!
I am free, but not for long.
The Two Kinds of Moderate
1 year ago
9 comments:
*huggles* Need to talk?
I won't insult you by pretending to understand, but I'm here for you. *hug* You're awesome, Crystal. I really do miss you a LOT!
Crystal I'm SO glad you commented on that old post of mine yesterday, I was considering turning my blog back to private all day and then I got your comment and was confirmed in my conviction that it was a good idea to keep it open. :-D Thanks!
Wow Crystal, "black on white" - that's gold.
*hugs* I'm here for you too! I have a new number and I'll email it to everyone, and we should email. <3
You're welcome, Em - isn't it funny how God works sometimes? From my perspective, I was really busy yesterday but for some reason I took the time to read back on some people's blogs - though I didn't have time to look at them all - and for some reason left a comment on a random old post...but God used it to influence you in an important way.
Thanks everyone for the support. You guys mean a lot to me. I don't know if I need to talk to someone outside this post - most of my thoughts on the subject are pretty much like the poem - too abstract and confusing to have any sort of two-way conversation about. But they essentially boil down to this, I think (I always end up summarizing everything): Pride comes before a fall. When I think I have everything straight and everything's going fine, that's just when I'm going to screw everything up, or find out I have been screwing everything up for months! And on a related note, self-esteem is considered very desirable in this day and age, but is it really that good of a thing? Isn't it really a form of pride? Yeah, it makes you feel good, but that's about it. It's even been proven in studies that self-esteem varies inversely with performance (that is, low self-esteem goes hand in hand with high performance, and high self-esteem with low performance). We are not basically good people, we are basically sinful, wicked people. Isn't there something wrong with you if you have a high opinion of yourself?
Hmph. Again I plan to write a short reply and it ends up being a monologue.
One more note. The post is my right-brained reaction to Life as I currently know it. The comment is my left-brained reaction.
Well, I will be in town for one day to have that sisterly talk if you want. ;-)
Hahaha I'm glad both left and right sides of your brain have a place in your life ;) Except mine always end up arguing and, not kidding, throw temper tantrums, refusing to pick up the thoughts they threw to the ground. It's dreadfully annoying cuz it leaves me with a headache.
I'm sorry, Lindy. You ought to play an instrument or sing to make your corpus callosum bigger.
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